Sunday, January 13, 2008

One of those days...

Today was one of those days.

It was one of the days where I feel like the world is gradually caving in around me, and no one can see it but me.

I was feeling somewhat anxious all week about today, because I knew today would mean a birthday party for a sweet little set of twins, who have just recently turned two. But I didn't want to miss the party, so I put on my best happy face, and went in feeling optimistic, gifts wrapped and in-hand. I arrived before some of the other guests, and listened quietly as they trickled in, all greeting the family with gifts and cheery "hello's." I hid in the kitchen while everyone enjoyed cake and ice cream, because it was more quiet there... unlike the living room, where children were screaming and adults were talking.

The party was just your average family birthday, cake, candles, singing and some gifts... there were about 15 people in attendance. But to me, the crowd felt huge. I've been struggling with that since the miscarriage... crowds really just seem to overwhelm my senses, and make me feel trapped. I call it sensory overload.

The kitchen wasn't enough to protect me, though, from the arrival of an older couple whose names I cannot remember. They shuffled in through the front door, gifts in hand, and promptly started to "ooh" and "aah" over their newly born grandson, who, thank goodness, was not in attendance. Perhaps he's due any day, not born yet. I cannot recall the details, nor do I want to. Either way, the conversation continued about this sweet new baby boy... who will be called Brody. Yep... MY baby's name... OUR precious Brody. My body went numb, and I could feel myself shaking. I felt like I might scream. Why here? Why now? Why the SAME NAME??

Either way, what's done is done... and now I feel like crap. I feel empty... I feel like someone else is living my life, and I'm watching from the outside, trying to narrate. Trying to make it all work out in the end.


Nikki Petersen said...

I'm so sorry sweetie. I can't imagine what you are going through. This has to be the most difficult thing in in the world. You are entitled to feel like crap on days like that, and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. I still think about you and Ryan all the time!

iliana said...

I'm so sorry you had to go through that (I'm sorry you had to go through anything after Thanksgiving day). Please know your in my thoughts all the time. Sometimes I'm not even aware of my own feelings, but when I read your blog, I feel like "yes! thats what it feels like!" But yours is much much worse. You had this connection and bond.......... Keep your head up (if only to hear/see God's future plan)but grieve as much as you need to.

MikeandJen said...

I understand "those days" I'm having one of those myself today... it's horrible! I hate these days, but I'm hopeful for what lies ahead in our lives, and for you and Ryan's as well. hang in there!! i'm SO glad you got your rings!

Sarah said...

I'm sorry hun. It will get better. Of course you'll never forget but it will get better. That whole living someone else's life thing happened to me, but I was on the positive side. One of my co-workers lost his daughter to a drunk driver a couple years back. I guess she was a senior in high school at the time, she would be my age. She was planning to go to WSU and study public relations. Even though I have a great life, I felt terrible that day. Like I got the good life, and she didn't get a chance. Kinda weird how lives can parallel like that.
Anyway, I love you and I hope you'll call me sometime- I'd love to hang out!

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