One of those days...

Today was one of those days.

It was one of the days where I feel like the world is gradually caving in around me, and no one can see it but me.

I was feeling somewhat anxious all week about today, because I knew today would mean a birthday party for a sweet little set of twins, who have just recently turned two. But I didn't want to miss the party, so I put on my best happy face, and went in feeling optimistic, gifts wrapped and in-hand. I arrived before some of the other guests, and listened quietly as they trickled in, all greeting the family with gifts and cheery "hello's." I hid in the kitchen while everyone enjoyed cake and ice cream, because it was more quiet there... unlike the living room, where children were screaming and adults were talking.

The party was just your average family birthday, cake, candles, singing and some gifts... there were about 15 people in attendance. But to me, the crowd felt huge. I've been struggling with that since the miscarriage... crowds really just seem to overwhelm my senses, and make me feel trapped. I call it sensory overload.

The kitchen wasn't enough to protect me, though, from the arrival of an older couple whose names I cannot remember. They shuffled in through the front door, gifts in hand, and promptly started to "ooh" and "aah" over their newly born grandson, who, thank goodness, was not in attendance. Perhaps he's due any day, not born yet. I cannot recall the details, nor do I want to. Either way, the conversation continued about this sweet new baby boy... who will be called Brody. Yep... MY baby's name... OUR precious Brody. My body went numb, and I could feel myself shaking. I felt like I might scream. Why here? Why now? Why the SAME NAME??

Either way, what's done is done... and now I feel like crap. I feel empty... I feel like someone else is living my life, and I'm watching from the outside, trying to narrate. Trying to make it all work out in the end.