Sunday, December 23, 2007

Christmas can kiss my @ss this year!

I know what you're thinking... "my god, two posts in one day? I sure hope someone got Christina a LIFE for Christmas!"

Truth is, I'm only here a second time around because I need to complain. I need to mope and whine and be a little bit bitchy.

Today is getting worse by the minute, or at least that's how it feels. I woke up this morning feeling pretty optimistic. I got all of my errands done before 10:30 and I was home by 11:00! I wrapped presents this afternoon after cleaning out the fridge and putting away the groceries, and somewhere in the middle of all of that my mood did a 180-degree turn and now I feel like crap.

I realized a little while ago that today is December 23rd (I know, "duh!" right?) and November 23rd was the date of the ultrasound that confirmed the loss of our babe. It's been four weeks. December 26th, we had an ultrasound scheduled for the level-two anatomy scan and what-not and we also would have learned on that day that we were expecting a boy. December 27th is one month (by date, not by weeks) since my hospital stay. I could keep going, but I'll spare you my endless list of dates.

I just feel... down. Instead of visiting countless family members and exchanging gifts and over-eating for the next two days (Three days if you count my step-dad's birthday dinner this evening.), I'd love a chance to put on some comfy PJ's and just hide in bed until it's all over. Save my presents for later, folks... I'll open them in my own little peace and quiet at a later date. Too bad it's not that easy. Too bad everyone would FREAK if I didn't attend the dinners and brunch. Too bad no one really cares what I want over the holidays, because the show must go on... everyone else (Ryan is the exception here) has moved on from what happened to us, everyone else expects that we act "normal" and cheery, and social. When I don't act this way, people make faces and ask questions. Questions I don't want to answer.

I shouldn't be putting all of this depressing CRAP out here right before Christmas... but on second thought, if you don't like it, don't read it. Come back after Christmas when you aren't feeling all "festive" and perky. This is one of few places where it's OK if I don't act like I'm "supposed to" and no one can take that away from me.


Rob and Kelly said...

I just came across your blog and wanted to let you know you have every right to vent, pout, and kiss Christmas (or anyone's) butt right now. I think of you often and hope that each day while not forgetting, just gets a little easier.

Chelsi said...

Not that I have ANY of the same reasons as you... but I have been SOOOOOOOO grumpy the past two days. I'm not ready for Christmas to be here either. It isn't its usual perky uplifting self this year... UGH.

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