Monday, December 17, 2007

Warning: depressing Christina strikes again...

Another bad day is around the corner. I can feel it. I'm sorry if this sounds to you like I'm merely setting myself up for a crappy day, but when you have this many ups and downs, you know when a down is coming. On second though, I'm not sorry if you think I'm cursing myself and causing a bad day. Why should I apologize?

I'm home from running mindless errands today... simply in an attempt to get myself away from the house. To make myself feel normal. I don't want to cook dinner (sorry Ryan) and I want, even less, to eat dinner. I don't want to clean up the kitchen and wash the dishes... I want to hide under the covers in my bed and wish this all away. I want to wish myself pregnant again.

I was supposed to turn in those applications to the Tenino School District office, and I had to get Chelsi's Christmas present in the mail and activate my new debit card. I didn't make it to Tenino. Just didn't feel like it, and quite frankly I don't really care right now. I lolly-gagged around town, visiting Lowe's to price the tongue and groove beadboard for my bathroom project, hit up Hallmark for a card I wanted to buy, and sat at Fatso's with Ryan, his Grandparents and his dad for over an hour, picking away at my taco salad so I looked busy.

I cried at Fatso's when my father in law hugged me and asked, genuinely, how I was feeling. I said I'm ok, managed a half-smile and quickly wiped away the tears hoping he hadn't noticed, but I wanted to scream, "I'm miserable! I feel like crap! I'm supposed to be carrying your first grandbaby, and I failed in that mission." (Note: I realize I didn't truly fail... I couldn't have done anything differently, but when I feel like crap, I feel like I should have been able to do something.) I realized right then and there something that hadn't even crossed my mind yet. My parents and Ryan's lost their first grandchild. My grandparents and Ryan's lost their first GREAT grandchild. Ryan's great grandma lost her first GREAT GREAT grandchild. It's not just us... but it feels like just us.

I need to wrap the Christmas gifts my step-dad bought for my mom. I need to make those Christmas cookies I keep promising everyone. I need to sort through the mountain of mail that just keeps getting bigger. I need to send e-mail to friends who I've neglected lately. I need to take a shower. I need to come up with something creative for dinner. I just don't want to, and I'm not sorry.

1 comment:

Sarah said... spend so much time taking care of everyone else that you sometimes forget that everyone else can take care of you! Ryan can go through the mail, your mom can come up with a creative dinner, etc. Don't forget to let everyone take care of you! I know it's in your nature to nurture, but sometimes you need to be nurtured back!

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